Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate!
Not much is known about disgusting Mexican thrash/grind four-piece Bakteria, apart from they started in 1992 and trade on stories about how singer Umberto Torres shot someone at a gig and they’re apparently banned from touring Canada, Ecuador and Germany.
At least that’s what the press release from Anstalt Records, the new novelty subsidiary of the revered Nuclear Blast label, would have you believe.
This is known too: ‘Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate!’ is a terrible record. Gorier extreme metal bands have always used grotesque and violent imagery of zombies, corpses and sexualised bodily functions, and it’s not impossible for them to be more than just provocative for the sake of it, but Bakteria really aren’t one of them. The 16 tracks on ‘DSMM’ range from the ridiculous to stuff you should report to the police, but it’s all gratuitous, pointless and the production quality is so cheap that it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that these sludgy Metallica-copying riffs and really slow blastbeats were recorded on a dodgy dictaphone.
The opening brace, ‘Platypus Bestiality’ and ‘Sea Corpse’ rely upon gurgling, squawking sound effects that are presumably the sound of Torres shagging a platypus and a bloated dead body found on the beach. The rest of the record’s lyrics are just combos of rude words in various orders - there’s only so long you can listen to someone growl “platypus twat” for and it’s considerably shorter than five minutes. But still, you’d much rather listen to “platypus twat” than the necrophilia/child abuse/cannibal fantasies on ‘Feed The Faeces To The Foetus’ and ‘Crib Death’. Seriously, this is one of the worst albums ever made and it would be no loss if other places followed Canada, Ecuador and Germany’s lead.